Dosed
by sidewalk serfer girl
Summary: A selfish, not so selfish boy and a selfish, not so selfish girl...an un-typo-ed version...i think...sf [i guess]


**__****_All I ever wanted was your life   
Deep inside the canyon I can't hide   
All I ever wanted was your life _**

"Where are you going?"

Okay...so this is a hint.

Spike knew that if he'd given a shit anymore...well...about anything _other_ than Vicious right now he would have sensed the gun seconds before it had steadied only an inch or so from his head. In fact, he probably would have heard the sound of her arm moving swiftly, cutting through the air, tensing, elbow locking.

He would have had her disarmed and pinned against the wall right now, her gun clattering noisily against the cold floor. Or he would have it in his hand, maybe kept it as a souvenir, adding it to his collection. What kind of a moron throws away a perfectly good gun? Spike was sorry he'd never taken down the owner of a bazooka...or a sniper.

So the evidence was already stacking up against his being alive right now. If it was any other day, Spike probably would have felt humiliated at being taken off guard by the likes of Faye Valentine and she probably would have laughed her ass off and made some sort of smart remark.

Spike felt many things right now, but embarrassment wasn't one of them.

And fuck him if the broad was laughing right now.

"_Why_ are you going?"

Spike's eyes flit across to look at Faye. No. Definitely not laughing. Saying good-bye to her wasn't going to be the fun and fond 'thanks for the memories see you in the after-life' moment he'd had with Jet only moments before. He wasn't entirely sure at this moment if he'd lost some respect for the poor girl for making this lame attempt to get in his way of leaving, or gained some because she'd had the balls to do something Jet's stubbornness would never allow him to do.

But the most important point now was that a gun to his head wasn't going to stop him from leaving.

As though she'd read her mind, she lowered the gun, suddenly regressing more than ten years by taking a step back and dropping her arms tiredly at her sides. The gun heavy and solid enough in her hand that the weight of it could have dragged her to the ground. She suddenly looked like she'd never held a gun before in her life. She looked like a child.

Like _the_ child. The child from the video.

He'd watched that video and stupidly wondered what had become of her. Did she become an actress? A dancer? An athlete? Every move of hers was so full of life, every muscle that moved beneath the beautiful, ivory skin of her face. The kind of glow in it that could never be reconstructed or renewed with even the most advanced cosmetic surgery. It was life the way only a child could taste it. Smiles fierce and frequent and selflessly distributed.

In his mind he'd separated this girl from the one on that video. The one here with him now was selfish and bitter and wore enough make-up to entertain children at birthday parties. And just..._in his fucking way_. Not just now but all the time. All the fucking time.

And she didn't have a fucking clue. This wasn't about _him_ leaving_ her_. He wasn't leaving and thinking "Jesus Christ, it's about fucking time I got off this damn ship and away from this cigarette stealing, woolong snatching, alcohol swiping cow." He wasn't thinking that. In fact, before now she hadn't crossed his mind since she'd given him Julia's message.

Okay, wait. That's not entirely true.

**_In you a star is born and   
You cut a perfect form and_**

**_Someone forever warm..._******

"She's pretty."

Spike slumped back in the passenger's seat of Julia's car. He'd been thinking about how much her smell had changed since they'd last been together. He was thinking about how much her car had smelled like cigarettes.

Julia had never smoked. When she'd gotten into the car, however, she'd fumbled with the glove compartment door and began rummaging frantically. Spike slid in beside her and instinctively pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He drew two out, one for himself and a second one, between his lips and lit them both. He passed one to her and wasn't surprised when Julia took it, inhaling deeply then sighing gratefully before settling back into her seat.

He recognized the nervous, nicotine-craving behaviour because it was Faye's.

For a tom-boy, that girl had certainly taught him a lot about women.

"She's pretty."

It's like she knew he was thinking about her. Even if only for a second.

"Who?" He asked. Although he knew. He'd always liked that they seemed to know what the other was thinking. Now he found it strange and uncomfortable.

Julia chuckled quietly. "Don't be dumb, Spike."

"I guess." He said resignedly. "I'd never really paid attention."

He felt Julia look across the seat at him and smile. She reached forward, passing off her cigarette to her other hand, and started the car.

"You know..." She began, casually, "Any guy would kill to be sitting next to her on a train."

"Julia...come on. Are you jealous or something? I never did anything with her. Nothing ever happened between us." Spike snapped. He felt immediately sorry for it. Julia had always teased him about different things. His hair. His taste in movies. This was probably no different. She was probably just trying to lighten the mood. He was pretty sure they were both going to be killed and if she knew what he was thinking all the time, she'd probably already clued in to the same fact.

"Spike...if something ever happened to me..."

Shit.

"Nothing's gonna happen to you, alright? Don't say shit like that. We're together again. Our chances of survival are greater now. I'm gonna take care of you."

Spike thought if he spoke the words with enough conviction they'd become fact. But the fact of the matter was, they were both doomed. One, if not both, of them was going to die.

Julia's breath became shaky but she continued as though Spike hadn't said anything.

"If something were to happen to me...I think..."

Another breath.

"I think I'd want you to end up with someone like..."

Spike shook his head violently, fists clenched in his lap. "Stop it."

"She saved me."

Spike stopped. He turned his head to watch her. Her hand rested on the keys, making no move to start driving. The cigarette in the other hand, poised against the window, burned almost to her fingers but she didn't make a move to discard it. Tears spilled from her eyes and onto her cheeks still streaked and chilly from the rain. Her voice was thick and almost gurgled in her throat. And he wanted to touch her. He wanted her to be warm and dry and he wanted to hear her laughing or singing or... things she loved to do. He wanted to touch her. But he'd touch her and keep touching her and not want to let her go and they'd never move from this spot. And he had things to do. And he still wasn't sure how he was going to explain that to her.

He had things he had to get done.

Before they were found.

Before.

"She saved my life. And she had no idea who I was. She just did it because she... she's strong and could. It was her standing up to this car full of guys shooting guns."

Spike looked away because looking at Julia -- beautiful, sweet Julia -- while thinking about Faye Valentine was wrong. But he couldn't get her face out of his head just then. As much as he tried, he couldn't think of anyone else except her. Eyes like stones in a museum. Dark hair like he'd never seen before. The colour of the deepest, darkest violets in a sunset.

Julia's voice freed him from the unfamiliar and unwelcome thoughts and feelings making their way around the inside of his skull.

"If I'd been half as strong... half as brave as her... we wouldn't be here now."

Spike finally spoke up. "You're the bravest woman I know Julia..."

Julia shook her head and a sad smile twisted at her lips. "I'm not, Spike. And I know you've always resented me for that. I know I let you down when I didn't come to meet you that day. And I'd always thought I'd done the right thing until..." She looked at Spike with a strong and unwavering gaze. "Spike...if I don't make it...I want you to find a girl. I want you to be with someone. I can only hope it's someone like..."

Spike reached his hand out and it closed around the cold and shaking hand still holding tightly to the keys in the ignition.

Julia _was_ the bravest woman he knew. She always would be.

"Drive." He said firmly but gently. Julia nodded and, with renewed hope reflected in her eyes possibly fuelled by the strong and loving hand he'd placed over hers, tossed the burning nub of her cigarette out the crack in the window and began to pull away from the curb.

Spike looked back over his shoulder at the cemetery as the gates got smaller and smaller. He felt sick to his stomach when he found himself thinking of Faye again. He couldn't wrap his head around the idea that she could ever do anything that wouldn't somehow benefit herself.

He'd never get the chance to find out what else that girl was really capable of.

**_Show love with no remorse and   
Climb on to your seahorse and   
This ride is right on course   
This is the way I wanted it to be with you   
This is the way that I knew that it would be with you _**

"You told me once...that the past didn't matter..."

_I lied, okay? I lied to make you feel better. I was trying to be nice. I can be nice sometimes._

Spike watched her drop her head and he almost took another step towards the syndicate. He felt like any steps he was taking right now were only to bring him closer to Vicious. But the girl didn't see it that way. Any steps he was taking right now were to bring him further away from her. It was always about her. Everything was always about her. He was happy he wouldn't have to put up with her shit anymore.

But he knew. He knew he was going to stay and hear what she had to say even though all her pleadings, every word out of her mouth, would be in vain. He knew he was going to give her this, though, because she deserved it. She'd saved his life on more than one occasion. She'd saved it in saving Julia's. She would never get a thank you out of him, that's for goddamn sure...after all, he still had his pride. But she'd get to speak her mind. That was a greater gift than she'd probably ever realize.

He watched the top of her head, watched her hair sway across her jawline as she shook and he was jarred suddenly when her eyes met his. Fiery and almost livid.

"...but you're the one who's tied to their past!" She shouted. Her voice broke and he swallowed the hard lump in his throat. Before it worked -- and at this moment he felt a faint inkling that it might and it scared the shit out of him -- he had to stop her. He thought he could let her finish and get everything off her chest. Let her give it the old college try. But the truth was that it was starting to work. He was starting to feel guilty. He was starting to feel obligated to stay.

And more frightening, more unnerving than all of this...he was starting to feel Faye.

And so he had to stop her.

He moved closer to her than he'd ever had before. And reasons for this were simple but many. He wanted to scare her. To make her uncomfortable enough that she'd want to be away from him. That she might grant him some mercy and let him go. He wanted to make her understand. This need inside him to make her understand why he was leaving that had suddenly cropped up out of nowhere when he'd heard her throat tighten and strain to keep her broken heart from spilling its pieces all over the floor she hovered over.

And her smell. Her eyes. The thrill he felt when he surprised her. When he did something unexpected.

Faye drew back but didn't break from his eyes even though it looked like a struggle. Her breathing became shallow and all the colour withdrew from her face. There was no thrill to be felt this time. There was no awe in her eyes. Only fear and sadness. He only felt like he was hurting her.

"Look at these eyes. One of them's a fake, because I lost it in an accident." He explained. He'd never told anyone besides Julia. Vicious knew because he'd been there when it happened. Then there was Gren. But for some reason he felt like Faye had already known. Like she'd looked into his eyes many times before without him ever having realized.

His voice was steady and he forced himself to finish his thought. "Since then, I've been seeing the past in one eye, and the present in the other. I believed that what I saw wasn't all of reality..."

She seemed to gather herself and replied indignantly, "Don't tell me things like that. You never told me anything about yourself." Her voice an angry and rising crescendo, "_Don't_ tell me things like that _now_!"

Spike thought this was the time to make his exit. They'd both had enough. He sighed quietly to himself and said, "I thought I was watching a dream that I would never awaken from." He almost chuckled, needing desperately to break the spell she was unwittingly weaving between them. This strange meeting of their eyes. He didn't know then it would be the last time he'd ever see her. He wouldn't look at her again. "Before I knew it, the dream was all over."

He began to walk away.

Not walk _away_. Walk _towards_. Towards the syndicate. Faye was not his destiny. His destiny had been preordained since his first kiss with Julia. And he was excited. He was relieved. It would all be over soon. The waiting, always the waiting...in the back of his mind. Beneath it all, he had been wound so fucking tight. What a release this would be...

"I...my memory came back."

He wasn't going to look at her. But, goddamn it all, he stopped for her. He stopped dead in his tracks. Because he was curious. And because -- and he didn't know this at the time either -- because he cared.

"But... nothing good came out of it. There was no place for me to return to..."

Shit.

"This was the only place I could go back to!" She cried. He concentrated on breathing because if he didn't his resolve might weaken. He might want to offer her comfort. Just a slight turn of his head might destroy every one of his plans. One by one his destiny would be trampled beneath his boots. Under every step he took towards her as he fumbled to hold her.

He didn't move and every thing, every last living bit of him stopped moving. As though he were already dead. And he'd believed moments ago that he_ was _dead. But now he wondered.

He was feeling all these things...things he may have one day wanted to explore further if he was anyone in the universe besides Spike Spiegel.

"But now..." So quiet. So weak. She was saying good-bye. She didn't know it, but he had won. She was saying good-bye. "Where are you going? Why do you have to go? Are you telling me you're going to just throw your life away?"

It was suddenly of the utmost importance that she not know the truth. He remembered Julia sitting in the car, hand poised on her keys. Cigarette burning between her fingers. Eyes simultaneously dying and spilling...

The only thing he could give her at that moment was hope.

And it was the very least he could give the girl who cried for him now.

"I'm not going there to die." His gaze drifted ceiling-ward.

To thank her for saving Julia's life. For trying to save his. For making him feel worth something so many times over.

His eyes widened and he smiled. And to his surprise a new truth found its way from his lips. Without knowing it, Faye had selflessly given him yet another gift.

"I'm going there to find out if I'm really alive."

**_I got dosed by you and   
Closer than most to you_**

**_What am I supposed to do? _**

**_Take it away and everything will be okay_**

She felt like she owed him something. Even though he'd been the most selfish man she'd ever known. It was always about him. Everything was always about him.

But when she saw the story on the news, she was only able to fight the feeling that she owed him something for a little less than an hour.

And so here she was. Several other women, men...mothers, brothers, sisters, fathers...who knew? All these people waiting. Not speaking to one another yet unified in this difficult task.

All but her.

She was the outsider. _As usual_, she thought, laughing sourly to herself.

"Spike Spiegel." Someone barked.

Faye was ripped from her thoughts and she looked up at the voice. The man gestured for her to follow him.

She caught the door exiting the waiting room before it slammed shut, stumbling in her boots and stiff, wrinkled outfit she hadn't taken off since he'd left her forty-eight hours earlier. She'd been sleeping since then. She'd finally gotten out of bed, finally deigned to leave her room, settled back into the orange couch the idiot had slept, eaten and read on so many afternoons...so many evenings. Her stomach heaved even though she'd made a great effort to ignore his scent. She flipped on the vid-screen. And the news came on...

It was always about him. Every fucking thing was always about _him._

There was nothing in the man's behaviour or mannerisms to suggest he had any sympathy for her as he lead her through the maze of corridors. After all, Spike had been a criminal. A gangster. Scum. Dirt. Shit. She could have been a fucking nun, but the whole process went ahead without a single sensitive second. As though she were a criminal, too.

And it was so fucking unfair. She _had_ been a criminal. But she wasn't one anymore.

And neither was he.

_"I've been seeing the past in one eye, and the present in the other..."_

Stop. Stop, stop, _stop_! She cried inside. _This is fucking hard enough as it is. Can't you see that? You're such a fucking asshole. Are you trying to hurt me? Are you trying to make this more painful than...It only makes it harder...knowing things about you. I don't..._

"Don't tell me things like that..."

_...I don't want to know anything about you. Not now. It's too fucking late for us to become friends. I don't know you. I don't know you..._

The drawer wobbled and roared with the force it was jerked out with. Like the asshole attendant was trying to drive some sort of stupid point home. "Crime doesn't pay." Or some cliched public service announcement like that. With the same late-night-crime-story dramatics, he unzipped the bag, holding the two sides of the bag wide apart to be sure Faye got a good look.

Faye glanced casually down at the body. She thought she could just identify it and go back to the ship like it was nothing. And, of course, she should have known better. And she probably did. But she felt like she owed him.

She wanted to do one selfless thing before she died.

But..._Jesus._

"So?" The attendant prompted.

Faye closed her eyes.

She sighed deeply.

She felt better.

"Did you know him?"

Faye sniffled and a sob escaped her but when she looked up at the attendant, he appeared startled to see that she was smiling. She wiped her eyes and almost laughed both miserably and joyfully as realization struck her in a dark, hidden place she thought had been lost long ago in the accident.

"Yes." She said. "I knew him."

**_Deep inside the canyon I can't hide   
All I ever wanted was your life _**

Lyrics taken from The Red Hot Chili Peppers _Dosed_ [thanks, treasurecat 3]...


End file.
